Published October 18, 2009
I probably know what you must think of me now, but before I depart I must leave with my final act III which may or may not change your mind………
Prologue
For the sake of this revelation I’ll call myself X and her Y. In this letter of mine you will really be showed a concept of what “true love” is. I will not attempt to explain it to you but leave it to your own conclusion of what you think is best.
Act I
Y is what you would generally call the “girl of your dreams”. It first started when I asked her out. Finally shedding my inhibitions, I managed to ask gorgeous pretty Y after a long time. Her reaction…..well…….. a pleased smile, that nodding yes, and of course the eyes that ask “Why dint you think of this before?” Our fears really aren’t that bad as they always seem to be.
Life was never the same on that day………….
Act II
Ever heard of the butterfly effect? What it simply means is that seemingly small things can have big results and consequences. Don’t disbelieve this.
It was dinner I had asked her out to, and it didn’t come cheap. One meal with her witnessed a whole months saving of my pocket money go down our stomachs. Maybe not whole, but almost all of it ,which in fact, was nothing compared to what I had just gained.
When we stepped out of the restaurant, was when the butterfly began to flap its wings.
Knowing it might rain that day we had carried our umbrellas. While we waited at the bus stop to go back home, a man apparently in a big rush knocked Y’s arm immediately causing her umbrella to fall on the road. In her hurry to retrieve it she was oblivious to a speeding car with a supposedly drunk driver, seconds away from ending her life. Seconds, in which I could have saved her by risking my own. After all wasn’t she “the girl of my dreams?”
I looked on as the car put an end to our still incomplete story. I don’t know what I did was right or not, I was just protecting myself at the end of the day I guess.
I probably know what you must think of me now, but before I depart I must leave with my final act III which may or may not change your mind of what I am, or, what true love is………
Act III
If anyone ever said I never liked her I could probably rip their heart apart, but still would be haunted and made feel guilty about that night’s incident.
So with this final demonstration of words I will prove that I was always true.
I always loved Y. After having finished reading this letter you won’t hear of me anymore, because I’m going home-where the heart is. And my heart will always and always be with her.
(The night of the tragic incident of his beloved’s death, X was found dead in his home. The autopsy revealed he died in his sleep. A sleep that was induced by consuming one hundred and thirteen sleeping pills.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
Hey there! I'm finally here, and incredibly sorry that this took so long. I won't even try to make excuses. But just know that I am incredibly sorry and I hope that this helps!
Nit-Picks
Awkward and repetitive wording. Maybe just reword it a bit so that's fixed.
You don't need all those periods. If you really need more than one, use three, but absolutely positively under no circumstances do you ever give into the temptation of going like this...................................................................................
I know it's fun, but it's just annoying if you get it in a story. Go on facebook, open up chat, and go crazy!
Maybe 'Life was never the same since that day' or something like that. This is just confusing and awkward.
I won't go into all the rest, they're mostly the same problems. Make sure you reword some of your awkwardness. It'll help a ton.
Characters
I think that you did a good job, taking the length into account. I do think that you really could have expanded this into a longer story so we get to know them a bit better though. Maybe think about it.
Other
There isn't really much else to say. I mentioned the awkwardness, and that you might want to expand it a bit, but that's about it.
All in all, good job. I like the way you put it in different acts, it's refreshing to read different styles sometimes.
I hope to read more of your work! Keep writing, and again I'm so sorry that this took so long! Good night.
~ Trish
Hiya Young. Here as requested, though you seem to have quite a bit of reviews as it is.
I'm not the greatest for stories but here we go:
Language:
Definitely the biggest problem. You can a good story going here, an interesting idea etc. You should try and communicate it more effectively. The words you use and the way you present it is decent, I just want the words to be more effective, because this feels very list like. As well as the grammar errors and spelling mistakes. Just takes away from the story. Take a dozen of minutes to edit it before you post, it makes a huge difference.
Story:
Interesting idea. Been seen before but you mold the idea nicely. I'd work on the minor details, as the plot is a little bit frayed around the edges. But, good job on that.
Character:
They deserve a little bit more character development. I like the idea of X & Y but give them something the individualizes them. If they are nameless give us something for us to seem them as. If I were to picture them in my mind I would only see shadowy silhouettes. Give your characters some consistency, a physical appearance, a personality. We just have a story of something happening to these characters.
Hope that helps. If you wanted a longer review I'm sorry, but I'm not the best at these.
Keep writing.
Kamas
Hey Young Gun!!
Sorry for the delay, but here I am now!!
First of all, I have got to say, that I loved it. I liked how you dealt with this topic as is love and death and the deepness you gave to this piece even though short.
I would say that if you made this longer and add some more description and emotion to both your characters, I think it would be really good.
The story itself was deep and really interesting but your characters seemed a little flat. So work on them.
Well, I have got to sya that the piece was really good and the nitpicks had already been mentioned but I still have something to say. The part of the accident seemed a bit unrealistic. Why? because it was too fast and too flat. He wateched her die and she died and that's it. It didn't really transmit the emotion that was expected. I think that this part really needs something to make it sound more dramatic and tragic andreally impact the reader.
so, that's all
PM with questions if you have any.
Pudin
Hey Gunner! Regardless of whether you support Arsenal, I'm sticking this name on you, okay?
Etcetera.
I'm not going to go into nitpicks as you'll realise Storm_Bringer's spotted all the little things that you should institute into your piece. Remember, you have to look through your work and edit it at least once before you post it on here. After all it's for the whole world to see and it does the make the difference between a half-hearted poster and someone who honestly wants an opinion and is willing to work for it.
Now, I'll have to admit I didn't expect you to jump into Romantic Fiction of all people.
The most interesting and striking feature of this work, I'm afraid to say, was the structuring into Acts and to a some degree the X and Y naming. In a piece as short as this, when you decided to choose tragic love as your theme, you immediately put yourself in the predicament that you had to give readers something unique in a theme that is gone over so often, or risk not being read at all. Do you realise that men have been losing the loves of their lives due to death and consequence since the beginning of time? And yes, it's not uncommon for them to kill themselves after that. Now look at what you have portrayed in this piece. The story is not unlike what you read in small strips on newspapers for people who believe in the undying power of love.
The human mind is driven by destrudo (the destruction or death impulse) and libido (the creation or love impulse). Love and death rule humanity and both of them feature in this piece. The potential for depth in this piece was great, even if one used short sentences. But, Young Kun, you chose to tell us the story we have heard already. I'd really like to see you keep writing and writing great things but you have to consider that if this story is born from personal experience, maybe your feelings haven't matured completely. Maybe you're being driven too much by one impulse. It's simple- think about what the reader wants to read.
All the best. Keep in touch. Thanks for the read. Hope I wasn't too harsh.
The Plant.
Hey! Thanks for posting in my thread!
So here it goes:
Nitpicks
You only need three. They do the job.
Showed should be shown.
This doesn't sound quite right to me. I think you should change it to "generally call the "girl of my dreams". It flows better, don't you think?
Uhh, you only need one, you know? But if you really want both try put a comma in between both of them.
A long time. It doesn't fit in the sentence. Perhaps you should put a long time of (enter word here). Long time of waiting, apprehension, you know, stuff like that.
Tut-Tut. Simple spelling errors. Didn't not dint.
Should be: I don't know if what I did was right or not
I think you should put this in a epilogue. Its weird with the parenthesis.
~~~
Overall:
wOw! Your way of writing is really good. It flows well, and the whole story kinda "clicks". I liked it very much, it was very dramatic, but not in an over-the-top kind of way. The love story was nice. Short and sweet. I didn't find anything that really needed working on. As the person above my said, it is really well written and his emotions is quite good, it lets the reader know how he felt, very clearly. The last act, could use a little work. But nothing much, just reread and revise. Use a bit more imagery in that Act to show how he feels about the guilt and all. And that's all. You're a really good writer so keep writing!
<3 Stormy!
Thanks for the feedback.If possible, I may be able to work on X's role a little more and try to improve the story.
This is well written. Great job! I am a "newbie",and have never written a review before. But here it goes. You definitely made me feel sympathy for X and Y. Although, it didn't quite entice me into believing that what happened to her truly happened. Maybe add more emotion from X; he didn't quite come across as extremely saddened by her death. I loved how the story was very emotional. It made me keep reading because I wanted to know what happened next! I hope that my opinion may help in some way shape or form.